I don't even know where to begin. Suicide is so selfish, and it hurts the people who care about you so much. Last night, my grandpa committed suicide. I don't know how, and I do not want to know. All I do know, though, is how angry I am at him. There are no words to express the level of anger I've been feeling today.
It was all planned out. The Tuesday before Thanksgiving, my mom, sister, and I were going to drive to Arkansas to visit him for the holiday. His birthday was on October 20th, so I called him to wish him a happy birthday, and we talked about how we were going to come visit him. He asked if I had gotten any more tattoos, I said no. He said if I came down there with any more tattoos, he was gonna throw me in the lake. That was my grandpa, quite the jokester. But, he had more than his fair share of health problems. That comes with a lifetime of smoking and drinking, I suppose. So I knew that this trip to visit him would, more likely than not, be my last.

And he took that away from me, from my sister, from my mom.

And it hurts so bad that he would do something like that to us. So now what? How do I move on past this? How do I forgive him? How do I come to terms with this?


All these evenings bring solemn warnings
To remember to kiss the ones you love goodnight.
You never know what temporal days may bring,
So laugh, love, live free and sing when life is in discord.

Why some people can't go more than 2 weeks without drama? Is it that necessary? Does it make you happy or make you feel important? Because it makes me wish we'd never met.

I'd like to think that I'm a fairly consistent person. If I like you, I'll tell you. If I don't like you, I won't be outright mean, but I'm not gonna pretend like you're my best friend. So why is it that after 2 years of friendship, my actions are seen as "fake" and "selfish"? My actions have not changed. If I invite you to do something with me, it's because I genuinely want you to be there. Ohh, and family always comes first. Sorry, but that's how it's been, that's how it will always be. So when my sister is going to a show with me, and I have to leave earlier than you'd like so I can pick her up, that's not an excuse to make it so you can't go. She's just more important to me than you. Sorry, but you'd do the same thing. Especially when she's had a ticket for 3 weeks, and you don't even have one. Here's a good one: don't accuse me of talking behind your back when you're getting heresay from someone else about things I "supposedly" said. You say to come to you directly if I want to know about you, but whenever I ask what's wrong, you say "Nothing" or "Don't worry about it". So, what I am supposed to do? I ask someone else because I'm concerned about you, and that makes me a gossip? And on days when you're over I'm really tired, that means I'm annoyed with your presence? Excuse me for taking a full class load and working 20+ hours a week on top of that. I'll try harder to be in a GREAT mood every time you're around, just so YOU can feel that much more special. Ohh, and I'll never so much as mutter your name to anyone if you're not present. And I'll make sure to blow off all of the other people in my life to make sure you know that I want you to hang out with me.

Fuck that. I really wish someone could provide some insight into people like this for me, because once again, it's driving me nuts. Thank God I have at least a few stable people in my life, there'd be no surviving without them.

I walk on wounds that seldom prove to slow me down.
I laugh this constant pain away so you can't tell,
But there it lies under the smiles, it drains me mile after mile,
But seldom proves to slow me down.